Wanted

Wanted:
A personal minion

Job Description:
You will do whatever I want or need you to do.  You will understand perfectly how I want them to be done.  You will do them quickly, efficiently, and happily.  When you are finished with a task, you will eagerly await your next duty.  You will talk to me when I feel like chatting, and you will leave me alone when I am in the zone of doing something else.  You will work for free.

Job Requirements:
Although you will be flexible, here are some duties that you might expect to fulfill:

• Laundry: this entails compiling, sorting, washing, drying, folding, and putting away 2 or 3 loads of laundry a week.
• Cleaning: dust, sweep, mop, scour, pick up, vacuum and put away everything in my house.  Be especially diligent about removing cat hair from the stair corners so I don't have to bend over and pick them up myself.
• Cooking: plan, prepare, and cook all meals for me and my family that are both nutritious and delectably delicious. 
• Organizing: sort and take care of my papers.  Recycle the junk mail promptly.  Keep all counters and surfaces clear and sparkling.
• Assisting in my personal care: You will shave my legs and paint my toe nails. You will massage my legs as you do these things.
• Comparison Shopping: Because you have boundless energy, you will find the best deals on anything that I am looking for.  You will grocery shop, find household goods and other items that I want or need.  You will brave IKEA and patiently figure out what will fit in my house for the best price.  You will have arms of steel and carry said items out of IKEA as if you were carrying two pillows in your arms (or perhaps you have a friend who is able to do this and he/she accompanies you to IKEA).
• Miscellaneous: You will pick up anything that I drop,  dry my hair with a hairdryer and make me look movie star fabulous, make my bed, hold my book for me when I am laying in bed reading, tie my shoes, plump up my couch cushions before I sit down, help me get up from said couch or bed, deal with my daughter as she screams when we leave her room for bed/nap time (this is a wonderful new development that she has picked up within the past month...), pick out the perfect gift for any birthday/shower/special event/holiday in which a gift is necessary, organize my garage as I sit next to you drinking water, make copies for me, pick up my mail in my box at school, carry me up all flights of stairs, dress me in fabulous clothes that flatter me in my current state, deal with any online returns.

If you or anyone you know would be interested in this totally unrealistic job description, let me know.